Grammar

No, Seriously: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!

Blog, Email, Grammar, How-To, Marketing

I’ve written before about why businesses need to know their customers and write for them accordingly.

It just surprises me — a lot — when they don’t.

I got this email this morning with the subject Affordable Blog Writing Offer!:

Hi
I hope you are doing well.

I would like to present one our Blog posting package to you for your website boost in Search Engines and Social Media both. It has been noticed that businesses that blog regularly receive 60% more visitors to their website and better Google caching, crawling and indexing in Google.

We have an expert team of content writing who writes effective blogs with 100% uniqueness and originality with Copyscape checked. If you want to increase traffic to your website with custom and informative blog posting then we have Great Christmas super affordable packages for you starting at US $70 only.

Here are the contents of our Starter Blog Posting Package:

  • No. of Blogs: 10
  • No. of Words per Blog: 300
  • Search Engine Optimized
  • Copyscape Passed Blogs
  • 100% Originality
  • Well Researched Content
  • 100% Copyright Ownership

Let me know if you are interested and I would happy to send you more details on this.

Thanks & Regards,

Aarti Sani
Online Marketing Consultant

What’s Wrong With This Marketing Email?

Aside from the obvious fact that writing is what I do for a living, and despite the fact that this is a completely unsolicited marketing email, here’s what’s wrong, in red:

Hi (who, me?)
I hope you are doing well.

I would like to present one our Blog posting package to you for your website boost in Search Engines and Social Media both. It has been noticed (“it has been noticed” — really? Who noticed it? If you want me to take you seriously, don’t use crappy passive voice; write something like “In a 2014 study [link that text to the study], search engine optimization experts discovered that businesses that blog regularly…”) that businesses that blog regularly receive 60% more visitors to their website and better Google caching, crawling and indexing in Google. See, even if your email was pertinent to me — even if I would buy blog posts for my own website — your abuse of capital letters and your failure to write in the active voice , as well as your inability to form a coherent, easy-to-read sentence, I wouldn’t buy from you… because you can’t write.

We have an expert team of content writing who writes (expert team of content writing? Do you mean team of content-writing experts?) effective blogs with 100% uniqueness and originality with Copyscape checked (you mean that you check using Copyscape? Also, you only have to use Copyscape if you’re dealing with bottom-of-the-barrel writers who may plagiarize… so no, thanks.). If you want to increase traffic to your website with custom and informative blog posting then we have Great Christmas (last I checked, it was September 20) super affordable (super-affordable) packages for you starting at US $70 only (starting at only $70, you mean.).

Here are the contents of our Starter Blog Posting Package:

  • No. of Blogs: 10 (Seriously? $7 per post? That price certainly reflects the quality you’ll deliver.)
  • No. of Words per Blog: 300 (Let me just say this: a blog is an entire entity. A blog post is one post. One more time: a blog is the entire collection of posts; a blog post is just one document that belongs ON a blog.)
  • Search Engine Optimized
  • Copyscape Passed Blogs (Copyscape-passed, and it’s blog posts.)
  • 100% Originality (Isn’t that what you’re saying when you say the posts can pass Copyscape? You’re being redundant.)
  • Well Researched Content (Well-researched. And yeah, right… for $7 per post? Haha.)
  • 100% Copyright Ownership (Naturally, when you pay for something, you own it.)

Let me know if you are interested and I would happy to send you more details on this.

Thanks & Regards, (I hate the ampersand in professional communication. It makes you seem so lazy.)

Aarti Sani
Online Marketing Consultant

I’m really tired of getting marketing emails. Maybe if any of the emails I got actually pertained to me, I’d be interested… but that’s not the worst of it.

The worst is that these marketing emails are completely ineffective. When you’re selling writing, your talent has to be obvious — and you have to target your emails properly. This mass email isn’t targeted at anyone in particular, and they’ve wasted a colossal amount of time putting it together.

I sure hope they didn’t waste $7 on it.

Don’t make yourself look stupid. If you’re marketing, research what you’re doing or hire someone who knows how to do it correctly.

BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU HIRE A WRITER!

Blog, Grammar, Spelling

An acquaintance of a client recommended a writer who said he had loads of experience.

I was in a pinch… although we have more than a dozen amazing writers on our team, we really needed a couple of things done faster than we could get to them.

I hired this guy, like a dummy, without checking references or anything.

Everything he turned in needed extensive editing. I’m talking extensive. It was stuff that I would never allow to come out of the Unique Web Copy brand. Never.

But here’s why I’m telling you this: there are people out there masquerading as “writers” and frankly, they aren’t worth a damn.

I am not kidding you when I tell you that you need to be careful when you hire a writer.

You will end up paying for garbage like this:

Broken Bone lawyer

If you have never had a broken bone, count yourself lucky. Depending on what bone you have broken the pain can range anywhere from unbearable to blinding. If you work on your feet and your femur has been split you will likely be out of work for months. (Really? Why on earth are you preaching to the choir, and how is “unbearable” to “blinding” a range? Why alienate readers who have broken arms, broken clavicles and broken ribs by suggesting the femur thing in the first paragraph?)

Why You Need Medical Attention

It’s important that when you suffer a broken bone you find a doctor quickly. When people are at the stage where they’re seeking a personal injury attorney, I’m pretty sure they’ve already seen a doctor. Accidents that cause damage to the skeletal structure can cause lasting effects on the organs, tissue, and veins around bone. If you have broken your ribs for example and are having complications put your health first and contact a lawyer second. COMMAS! USE THEM! Complicated bone injuries are common enough in vehicular accidents so put your health first. What?

Types of Broken Bone Injuries

A broken bone can take several forms, and each of these forms can potentially cause life-changing trauma. This is filler crap. There is a total fracture that cracks the bone in two pieces requiring complex medical care. Then there are more complex breaks such as multi-fragmentary breaks, closed breaks, and open breaks. How about explaining them? Another consideration is the location of the break. A broken bone in the neck or back can leave you immobile and unable to work for years potentially. Seriously, if you don’t check your writer’s past work, you could end up with tons of wasted words that make no sense.

Broken Bone Examinations and Costs

Sometimes a broken bone requires deeper examinations to discover the particulars of the injury and how best to treat the injury. This injury can mean internal scans, a complete examination by medical scans, and X-rays. The cost for these procedures, including MRIs and CT-Scans, can be high and a lawyer. Where is the rest of the sentence? And why are we talking about cost when it’s supposed to be empathetic and encouraging to the reader?

Treatment and Costs

The more complex the break, the more expensive they are in many circumstances. Even the simplest accidents such as a car, truck, motorcycle accident, and a nursing home fall can cause complex breaks. These expensive breaks often happen in other particular as well as in amusement parks and playground accidents for children and surgical accidents typically for adults. What the hell is this? These can be severe and can require extensive surgery, rehabilitation and consequently large bills. Again with the cost. At least be subtle about it.

Special Costly Circumstances

Some more specific bones injuries exist that can lead to potentially life-long infirmities that can be a result of seemingly simple accidents. One example is a broken bone along a child’s growth plate, which can alter how the bone will develop for the rest of the child’s life as the bone develops unevenly. This unequal growth causes pain and sometimes deformities and requires constant expensive medical attention. Some other complex fractures often require equally intricate surgery using rods and plates and additionally they require rehabilitation. These injuries are not uncommon and paying for them could bankrupt anyone. Could bankrupt anyone? Are you really a writer?

Insurance and Broken Repair (“Broken Repair”? Broken record? Broken vehicle? Broken mirror?)

Insurance companies have doctors who only intend to pay for you treatment for as short a time as possible. This is like an attack ad. Doesn’t make the attorney seem very kind, does it? After all, Insurance is a business and good business about saving money. Good business about saving money? What? They will tell you that your medical needs are less severe than they are in most cases. Attack ad. Take ‘er easy, tough guy. For you to get the best treatment after an accident it is important to have robust legal support who knows cost of broken bones and the toll they can take on your body and your life. “Who knows cost of broken bones?” Robust legal support? Like a fat band around your waist?

Recovering Damages after Breaking Bones

Good legal backing from an experienced lawyer in California can help to ensure you save money and get the best quality care possible. I’m not sure how legal backing will help you get quality care, unless you’re somehow guaranteeing that a lawyer will get specific results… which you totally cannot do. A broken bone injury could mean coping with medical bills, loss of work, pain and suffering, mental distress, legal fees, and insurance bills. A good lawyer will help you recover these losses and ensure your life gets back in order quickly. You can’t say that. The state has laws in place that can make lawsuits hard to navigate without the support of a good lawyer. No. No they don’t. Even if we would prefer for readers to use our client, there is no way in hell that we can lie to them like that. It’s important that after you have suffered a broken in an accident that you never sign any agreement or make any arrangements without proper legal representation.

Contact a Lawyer Immediately

When you have been in an accident and suffered a broken bone, never underestimate the damage. Get medical help immediately but next contact a lawyer for a consultation to help you get the funds to deal with loss of income, medical costs and get your life back on track. This sentence doesn’t even make sense.

Meta: Don’t let a broken bone derail your life. Contact our legal team and we can help you deal with you deal with the high costs of a broken bone.

BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU HIRE A WRITER! SERIOUSLY.

If you were an attorney, would you want this kind of copy representing your firm? Of course you wouldn’t — you’d never make a dime from anyone unfortunate enough to stumble upon your website.

I’ll never understand how people get away with claiming to be writers when they put out pure crap like this. I would walk on a floor of burning LEGOs barefoot while eating broken glass before I would ever allow that on one of my clients’ websites.

Here’s what my team and I wrote to replace the b.s. that this dude turned in.

http://www.chrisplaw.com/san-francisco/bone-fracture/

 

Who vs. Whom – What Should You Use?

Blog, Funny, Grammar, How-To

Who vs. Whom

Here’s a simple trick to help you remember when to use who and when to use whom.

If the answer to your question could be “him,” use whom. Remember that both end with the letter M. Otherwise, use who.

Question: Who put the book in the library?

Answer: He did.

Question: To whom should I address this letter?

Answer: Address it to him.

Question: Who called me?

Answer: He did.

Question: To whom does this phone belong?

Answer: It belongs to him.

Stop Worrying About Grammar Rules

You could forget rules like this and hire a copywriter to handle it all for you. I happen to know someone…